washingdishes

One thing I always look out for when choosing toilet paper is the amount of individual squares each roll comprises. How big, exactly, is one square. How many square feet does one toilet roll total?

286 2-ply sheets per roll
4 x 4 in (10.2 x 10.2 cm)
Total area: 190.7 sq ft (17.7 m²)

Isn’t this a metric everyone asks for? No? Then in the case that this is a metric that only concerns the avid data consumer or extremely bored toilet user, allow me to supply a few alternatives:

how many wipes per ply?
how many squares needed to avoid wetting your hands? ¹
how long will it take to clean up after your toddler decides to unroll a full one as part of their sensorial activity?
how many squares will clog my toilet?
will the thickness impress my guests?
will the patterns entertain to no end?
will the scent tantalize the idea that it totally won’t smell after you’re done and your 1-week-old-partner needs the toilet?

Just a suggestion.

if this doesn’t resonate with you, you might have a male apparatus. ↩︎

We breastfeed¹ to sleep.
Here is a list of things my toddler decided it was suitable to cuddle and sleep with.

A nasal spray. With and without the cap.
A cold, rather pokey, metal diapason.
Books, several. Of various sizes and topics.
A toothbrush.
A toothpaste tub. Strawberry flavored.
A long thread of floss.
An IKEA bamboo phone holder. Yeah, that one.
Three teddies at once, between her and the boob.²

…this list in severely incomplete but long enough to prove the point that it’s very interesting to sleep with a toddler. And somewhat uncomfortable.

¹ sorry to break the boob word this soon into the post.
² not sorry for this one. It’s been some time.

I’m nap-trapped, so let’s talk about squirrels. How in the name of any good birdwatcher can I keep squirrels from feasting on my birdseed? It’s been a problem so much so that they take naps on the window sill from the food coma they imposed on themselves.

And the mess? THE MESS. There’s birdseed everywhere. Rats joined the party a week into the inauguration of the birdfeeder. But you know what’s worse? Being nap-trapped and needing to go to the toilet. I look outside and the squirrels smirk. Bastards.

One day, my mom called me to say that she fell from the kitchen counter. She’s fine now, but you read right, the kitchen counter. You see, we—short-ass people—struggle to live in this world of verticality.

Allow me to exemplify.

Number one: I got into sourdough bread, but to knead* the dough I need to move my work to the dining table because the goddamn kitchen counter is a whole 4 cm taller than my hipbones. Just imagine doing any elbow grease work with your arms almost in line with your nipples.

Number two: I installed some fancy-ass rods on the wall to hang all my sourdough bread tools**…which now I have to climb the kitchen counter to access.

Number three: what the heck are those cabinet doors above my fridge?! Why is my microwave installed waaay above the stove; I can’t see inside it?! I can’t reach the bottom of my top-loading washer?! AAAAAA

Needless to say, I shook my head in disapproval after hearing my mom’s story. How could she be so careless as to climb the kitchen counter to reach something?!

* if you’re into sourdough bread, I bet you’re thinking “but, we don’t knead bread dough, though.” This is because if I write “stretch and fold” people will still not give a damn about sourdough bread because it’s not 2020 anymore.
** no less than three bannetons! Lame! More-words-only-sourdough-people-understand!

to wrap up the topic of pregnancy because it’s getting old, allow me to share a few practical ideas—specifically, if you or someone you know is currently pregnant and also happens to practice Shikantaza Zazen. Googled it yet? I know, it’s pretty niche. So maybe this one isn’t for you. But if you are pregnant and also trying to include more mindfulness meditation in your busy schedule of toilet breaks, continue reading!

There’s a severe lack of anecdotes on the web (as in, I found zero), so I feel like this post will improve on the silence. Here are a few things¹ that I had to adjust during my pregnancy to date in order to continue my practice:

Your belly will become too large to sit seiza or your pelvic floor is too sore when sitting cross-legged on a zafu. Sitting on a chair can be too hard on your sitting bones as you’re carrying the extra weight of another life. On top of that, as you get into your third trimester, you will also have the tendency to sit at the very edge of the seat which isn’t comfortable at all. For the sake of your pelvic floor, get a Pilates ball and meditate sitting on it.
A follow-up from the previous point: sitting on a Pilates ball will make it hard to do a hands-together mudra (I sit with the Dhyani mudra). In this position, your legs will be too far apart and your belly is mostly in the way. You can place a towel across both legs acting as a bridge, or alternatively, consider opening your mudra (just separate the hands and connect them in your mind) or change your mudra to an open-handed mudra like the Bhumisparsha mudra).
Sitting still can become a hard feat. All kinds of sensations will appear in addition to the odd itch, numb leg or ache. When you do manage to sit still, the life inside your womb reminds you that you don’t follow the same “sitting-still” schedule and it may trigger other discomforts. Allow yourself more breaks for body adjustment; do more Kinhin!
Sore/swollen feet? If you are sitting Zazen at home, allow yourself to wear comfortable house shoes for Kinhin.
Prostrations are not viable anymore. You may be able to prostrate in a similar way as the “child’s pose” in Yoga, but if you do that, your Rakusu will likely touch the floor! My to-go alternative is to do deep bows with my legs slightly apart.
A vegetarian diet will likely need to be put on hold as your body will need more nutrient-dense foods. Don’t go all out on a BBQ all-you-can-eat-meat, but eating fish and white meat a few times a week, gives a steady supply of iron for you and your little one.
Chanting will keep you out of breath. Well, okay, everything will keep you out of breath in pregnancy. For chanting, allow yourself you to chant a few syllables in your head as you take a slow and deep breath and replenish the oxygen in your blood.

Today marks the start of the 90-day Ango period in my Sotō Zen Sangha, and at around the 30-day mark, I will be in labor and will go through post-partum shenanigans. Zazen is packed in my labor bag. Perhaps I’ll leave the Rakusu on the shelf this time ’round though, things will get messy.

Gasshō

¹This list is far from complete: in the odd event that you want to hear more about how I go about practicing send a message!

What about sneezing while 8 months pregnant?

Not to worry, your abdomen will feel like it’ll split in two.
You’re actually lucky if you don’t need to go change underwear.
Thanks for everything. I have no complaints whatsoever.¹

What about coughing while 8 months pregnant?

Not to worry, you actually don’t need to cough, it’s all a matter of perspective.
You can not cough. Just relax and have a sip of water.
Thanks for everything. I have no complaints whatsoever.

What about sitting Zazen while your baby is having hiccups in utero?

Not to worry, you needed something else to pay attention to.
Now you don’t need to think how yesterday you said “you too” when the barista said “enjoy.”
Thanks for everything. I have no complaints whatsoever.

¹“Thanks for everything. I have no complaints whatsoever,” is a mantra by Zen Master Sono. If you’re so inclined to read more, here’s the background story: https://tricycle.org/article/thanks-for-everything/.

a poem

I was having some foot pain.
Apparently, pregnancy makes your feet go all flat and flabby.
Went to the foot person.
Got new insoles. My feet are cosy and I can now walk the walk.

Yesterday, heartburn was the word of the day.
Apparently, pregnancy makes your heart burn.
Asked partner to bring Tums.¹
Tums are interestingly tasty, tastier than Rennie.² My heart burns no more.

Got bored today so I went on a walk. Now my sciatica hurts.
Apparently, pregnancy makes your sciatic nerve hurt.
Went to the freezer.
Got an ice pack—it’s nice and makes my bum all fresh.

I’ll keep you posted.

¹ would you even believe it if I told you this was sponsored?
²would be great, but no, no sponsor.

This could be another post about eating healthily; it could also be a post about how to use the semicolon properly or, gods forbid, how to use the em dash—at this point, anything goes.

So, let me talk about chess. Why chess? Well, this is partly because I asked my partner for a random topic and this is what came out—okay, it’s not partly why but rather the entire reason why chess has been chosen to be the topic of this post.

I don’t know how to play chess. I mean, I know the rules and how each piece moves, but I never really got around to learning chess moves, and I never really ended a game with a check-mate against my opponent. I had a friend from school who liked to waste time playing chess in the library during recess. She was a great chess player…or I was, and still am, a terrible one.

This could have been a post about punctuation: how to use semicolons, em dashes (yes, without spaces. AP style, I’m looking at you), emphasis, ellipsis, and Oxford commas. But it’s about chess. It’s about chess. It’s about chess.

Ah…insomnia. It’s like that old friend who calls at 2 a.m. to ask if you’re still awake, waking you in the process. It really sucks. Especially after a nice bike ride, an outing with friends, and a takeaway dinner. It’s as if my body ran out of happiness credits and it can’t pull off a good night’s sleep on top of such a lovely day.

Good thing tomorrow (which became today) isn’t a workday…oh, it’s only the day that I wanted to DO MY TAXES BEFORE THE DEADLINE!*

And to clarify, this deadline is tomorrow, but not the tomorrow that which became today, but the tomorrow-tomorrow, a.k.a. Monday.

*the Canadian taxes. UK mates, you can chill for a little longer.

Yeah-yeah…bla-bla-bla it’s been a while since my last post…now let’s get to the point because time is precious.

Do you know that feeling when you don’t know what to do? You come up with an interesting enough task to get you up and going, but it’s apparently not good enough? In fact, anything you think is a good enough activity just convinces you more that you should be spending time on another thing. Sadly, the other thing is work.

If that made no sense, here’s an example:

After a busy week, you finally have a day off. Suddenly, it dawns on you:
“What do I do today?”
“The house needs cleaning—I can do that when it’s reasonable to turn on the vacuum.”
“What about right now? I could go on a walk, but I’d rather rest my feet today.”
“What do people do on their days off?”
“Do I invite people over? Nah, I’m emotionally tired, I can’t pull off a dinner. In fact, any sort of social gathering is a no-go for me today. Wait, do I even know anyone from outside work?”

By this point, it’s inevitable that you start thinking about work. It’s inevitable to realise that you could be doing something with your time—the right now type of time—that is both worth your time and energy. When the only thing that apparently matters is your weekly productivity; nothing (really, nothing) is worth doing more than more work.

Seems highly unreasonable.

I won’t offer advice, but this is what I told myself:
“I need rest, even if I’m not feeling tired right now. Rest is not work.”
“Anything I do right now—the day that I happen to be off from work—is worth my time.”
“I need this day to rest from work if I want to do more work next week. If I don’t rest, I won’t be able to work to the best of my ability.”

“If rest means staying in bed and writing my thoughts out to the world, then that’s good enough. I’m not wasting my time.”